Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My feet surprised me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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