two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
