Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
