I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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