Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
