I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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