I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
