I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
