I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
