atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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