guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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