i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I could make wine with my vomit
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
