they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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