Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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