it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
