yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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