i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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