im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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