I puked off the balcony.
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
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some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
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You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out