apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
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Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
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Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.