Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator