i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just want nice things and good sex
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.