my phone needs a breathalizer
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
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I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
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I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors