Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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