update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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