Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
