hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
