Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This house was built for laser tag.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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