Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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