That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
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A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
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my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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