chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
