I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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