I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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