Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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