saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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