i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
