Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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