Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
