i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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