p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
