you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
