Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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