did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
