listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
