the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
