Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
