No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
