Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
