Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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