when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
