Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
