Well douche your snatch and let's go!
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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