Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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