We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
