My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
