The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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