I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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