Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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