I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
