Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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