apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
did i just pee glitter
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