i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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